I’ve done book reviews before, but this is my first product review ever. I wasn’t quite sure whether doing this publicly was the right, or even the wise thing to do, but on the other hand I’m still waiting to retrieve the very first buck from this enterprise. So if this page or two leaves you convinced that I pretty much figured the whole system out - and you have some narrative-related need - do reach out to me. I haven’t thought about discounts or anything, but I’m sure we can work something out.
So it started at the dentist, in the waiting room, where I was browsing through a magazine - Bounty Highway, I believe it was called - when my eye dropped on an add from the Y Corporation. Build your Own! Modular botfarms within Joe’s Reach, it said, with some humming text added to explain requirements: physical, financial, the whole shazam. So about three hours later at home, my jaw humming this time, I decided to do an AI check on the whole thing. It all seemed to check out; I even found some glitzy pictures which made it quite easy to imagine running the whole thing. In addition, Y assured to enclose a step by step script which would have your system running within 60 days.
Since I had some cash lying around and there’s this patch in the backyard which has proven to be about as fertile as a bucket of lime, I started filling out their order form and got the ball rolling. There were some waivers I had to sign - 7 or 8, 10 at most, if I recall - but they really made it sound like it was more about safety measures, and my protection in the event anybody was to claim I was infringing on some law. Part of the process was measuring up that patch of yard and providing clear information about access roads. The whole process took me a couple of hours, perhaps, but it also got me activated on some of the questions I was going to deal with pretty soon. And that’s definitely what you want, considering they guarantee delivery of the module within 35 days.
Sure enough, 28 days after submitting the form and wiring the money, a huge flatbed drove up, a crane in tow. The crew wasn't the talkative kind - to tell you the truth I’m not quite sure what language they spoke - but with some gestures, the little map I had drawn on page 17 of the order form and they had found the good sense to print out and bring with them, both vehicles were in position in no time and they started hauling the module over the house, positioning it at the far end, next to the neighbor’s fence. Within two hours they were on their way, slapping at least 3 pounds of a semi-glossy instruction manual in my hand by way of goodbye. There were some walls, flaps, a little awning and some other features that I had to personally unfold, some hydraulically and some the traditional way, with elbow grease.
A few days later, with all cubicles pulled out and bolted down at the prescribed intervals, the inflow and outflow pipes screwed on and sealed, and the little switchboard powered up with a hefty extension cord (included!), I was ready to pull off the protective film on the inside and outside of my brand-new botfarm module. This will have to be my first point of serious criticism, because I don’t know if you’ve ever dealt with the stuff, but as soon as you pull it off, the stuff seems to swell or grow, with the result that the entire yard was littered with plastic. I must have tossed out at least ten bags with the stuff and it still pops up in unexpected places. In any case, the final preparation for the module was to spray and wipe down the entire place with chlorine.
I was happy I was done quickly, because the Y Corporation tells you it may take anywhere between 15 and 35 days to ship the bots, depending on what sourcing you select. Luckily, they set you up with a Discord channel to share information with other users, so I was in time - at least on paper - to change my choice of bots from Filipinos to Chinese. To have a set of thirty Chinese in my backyard sort of scared me at first, so I thought ordering a set of more relatable bots would get me off to a better start (Y does give a satisfaction warranty, so in theory you can change out the set you originally order for some other kind later on, but that does mean taking care of rewrapping yourself, and accepting liability for reshipping; that was in waiver number 6, I believe). In any event, there were a few users on Discord who convinced me to change my mind and go for the China bots. Apparently - and I think my experience so far confirms - feeding is a lot easier. The Filipinos require a lot of fresh ware, and that gets to be a bit of a hassle, both to push it all through the slot, and in dealing with the hygienization protocol. The Chinese will just keep running on dried noodles, which is cheaper, too. In addition, they told me that the very last thing you want are relatable bots, because that only makes simple decision making needlessly burdensome for the operator. I wasn’t quite sure what they meant by that, but maybe now it’s starting to make more sense to me.
I managed to change the second part of my order through some back and forth with Y and by paying a little surcharge. About two and-a-half weeks later, the third and final truck drove up to my house. The driver did some magic with his pump truck and maneuvered two pallets past the house and into the backyard. When he came back with the second pallet, I noticed it had only 13 cartons, and not 15 like the other one. He had to pull out the packing slip and as we both tried to decipher the code from the warehouse, it tuned out a couple of them had been small enough to duo-pack. Being the cost-conscious guy that I am, I grinned at the driver and sent him off with a nice little tip.
This is where the most unpractical part of the setup started. I really think that with their whole modular approach and plug-and-play advertising they should have given this some more thought. It turns out you have to physically open those boxes and get the bots out, into the module and to their spots. For some reason this whole procedure felt a little awkward. No newbie to DIY myself, I figured out a nice workaround after a couple of boxes and managed to cut the tape, stud the box on my knee, and sort of pop the contents right inside without too much hassle. At that point, I mean, I hardly even saw them. They flew in. As I was folding up the boxes, I realized the bridging MRE packages had been traveling on board the parcels, so I had to salvage some of them last-minute, to cover for the week or so before the subscription supply would start delivery. I locked the module and it’s a good thing I remembered right before climbing into bed to turn on the power supply for the unit.
It’s been about a month that I’ve been running my farm now. It’s really a dry-run, so far, feeding some of the test protocols supplied by Y, seeing if there are any teething issues that need working out. One of these popped up a few says ago, when there was a ruckus in the module, and it wasn’t even 7AM. As I leafed through the manual standing in the yard, I could hear some thuds, what sounded like agitated voices, and someone hysterically crying. I was getting pretty irritated over not being able to find any proper instructions. There was nothing under ‘sound level’ or ‘noise reduction’ and ‘trouble shooting’ listed 57 pages of charts. Then I had the good sense of giving a shout-out on Discord and sure enough within ten minutes I had a host of helpful suggestions. One of the guys asked me first if I wanted to salvage the unit and then told me to try this first. I was going to walk over to the module, and slam my fist on the door a couple of times. And I had to say, sort of loud, but it was important not to scream or raise my voice: ne hai dai bang jang. I said it a few times, slammed the door a couple times more, and to my surprise and relief the noise just sort of died down.
Something that is not quite as clean a solution as I would expect from an automated system as advertised is the way the slot for the MREs is designed. It’s pretty small, so you basically have to load the thing every day. Once, a pack got stuck on the side and the lever slammed back and nearly tore my nail. So if the people at Y Corporation are reading with me, maybe find a solution fit for the digital age here, folks! The last thing I’d want is getting the impression I’m feeding the inmates. Something to weigh if you’re considering to order your own module is if you have a comfortable enough space to cordon off your production area. I have my backyard with its dead angles, but it’s not the kind of thing you want to look at when glancing out the window or - God forbid - when you’re enjoying a nice cold one on the patio. That’s something to keep in mind, especially in view of quite a few on Discord talking about smell issues.
But all-in-all I will have to give this thing a definite thumbs up! The running expenses are nowhere near what you’d expect for a 30-bot unit, especially if you order a multi-tasking set. Against the value of running influencer accounts and gaining standing, it’s a very attractive proposition. What is particularly convenient is that it all is very much plug-and-play. There’s not a moment that I’ve had to spend thinking about complicated issues, making choices, that kind of thing. And as the trial period is coming to an end, I can start thinking about testing the module in the real world. I can’t wait to be at the switchboard nudging elections, ruining some weird guy’s reputation, pushing a product, or more of the things that decide history. With my unit, I can push sentiment in any on-line population by one basis point for an entry charge of $30,000 per million. If you have any particular requests, be they urgent or for long-term massaging, drop me a line and I’m sure I’ll find the right price to put the botfarm to work.