¡Hablar!
Chapter 4
July 2020
Arlington (VA)
Johnny: “We do audits, Cee. Some forensics, coding, research. You know, we do all sorts of stuff. I mean: you know what we do and it’s not making stuff up as we go!”
Cee: “Wasn’t that what we’re paying you for, Johhny? And profusely, too?... It’s starting to look like you’re refusing to dig, like, deep enough. God knows we gave you the whole framework, the flags, criteria. It’s like filling out a fucking scorecard, Johnny!”
Johnny’s lips contracted and contorted as he reached out for the iced water on the table. “Oh, we’ve been digging, Cee. We’ve been digging through their whole damned system. It’s not been that hard, either, with all the patches, workarounds, and update delinquency. We’ve only been worried about breaking something on our way out, really… You keep hammering about the Russian stuff, Cee, and, you know, I read the papers. I see where you’re getting at. But this is not it. These guys are stupid. I’ve seen some stuff from the Vladimir, Cee. This is not it. This is just not it. They’re like butchers with lab coats and microscopes. But what these people are doing is like a high school science project. It’s like two-byte digital fucking Jenga. These people get to work at night – next morning we’re all wondering if the thing is still online… Anyway, we went through it with a flee comb. Nothing there… Sure, lots of wackos. But there’s also all this weird sciency stuff. You know, China stuff, articles about health and medicine. Pretty amazing, really – stuff you can’t find anywhere else. Last week we prepared a printout for the boys at the office. You know: have everybody read up on health stuff and that kind of thing, see how we’re going to deal with the Kung Flu and-”
“Johnny! They’re killing people! Literally. What an idiot you are. Anyway, we can’t wait for the ridiculous scraps you’re bringing in. We’re mobilizing the industry. These people think they can hide behind the Constitution. Ha! But you better get serious, Johnny, or we’re going to have four more years of this. Why don’t you try a bit more, Johnny, as we get the stakeholders on board”
“Four more years? What are you talking about? Wasn’t this about… I mean, the Russians… influence operations?”
“Oh grow up, Johnny. They deliver, we cut you loose. Be a big boy, now. I can’t take your whining right now.”
Signal call – various locations
Danny: “Is Travis keeping count now?... Wayne, is Travis keeping count now?”
Wayne: “Keeping count? What are you talking about?”
Danny: “Keeping count for the jury, Wayne. Do you seriously forget every last conversation we had?”
Wayne: “Calm down now, Danny. Is it one of those days? What are you talking about?”
Danny: “The jury count, Wayne. You know some of our vendors are starting to show up. Asking questions. We can have a million jurors, but if the fucking system doesn’t keep count and suspend those accounts we still are rowing backwards. So let me ask you again-“
Wayne: “Oh we have a million jurors now? That’s great now, Danny. But we don’t, or do we?”
Danny: “You think all of this is funny, Wayne? You think we’re pouring all this money in your pocket for the hell of it? You know we’ve got this meeting with Google in a couple of days, you keep saying we’re surging, but people cannot even download us from their fucking store!”
Wayne: “So how did we get from this jury bs to the fucking Playstore? People can sideload, anyway.”
Danny: “Are you fucking dense, Wayne? All these people are talking about is moderation. ‘We gotta moderate this, we gotta moderate that. How on earth is this shit still up there? The Q-anon shit. The Nazi crap.’ And we’ve been telling them – what have we been telling them, Wayne? Let’s see if you remember.”
Wayne: “Huh?”
Danny: “The First fucking Amendment, Wayne? Do you remember?”
Wayne: “Oh, yeah, right. The First Amendment. That we apply the – what was it – that we judge by their peers and… But why don’t you just shut up, Danny? You say we’ve got the jury in place. What’s the problem? Don’t we have all new terms of service? Send the jurors their mug have them look at all those phony complaints!”
Danny: “Yeah, Rylie, how about those terms of service? They done yet?”
Rylie: “Well, uhm, well yes. They’re almost done. But where I’m stuck, besides our discussion about the user privacy, is how the jury score is going to be counted? Danny, you said Travis wasn’t ready yet? Or that the queue wasn’t being processed?”
Wayne: “What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘Danny said’? Danny does operations. If it’s about tech, you talk to me.”
Danny: “Well?”
Wayne: “Well, what?”
Danny: “So the queue, is it resolved? Are you guys processing the complaints?”
Wayne: “What queue? It isn’t that bad at all. Why are you bashing on Travis again? He got the counter running the other day. Why don’t you get those jurors of yours to score the flags and you’ll have your safe little space up running.”
Danny: “What do you propose, Wayne? Are you enjoying this? Are you only happy if they shut us down?”
Wayne: “Shut us down? What are you talking about? Here you are, with your fancy talk, your free speech posing, and the first time we get to do some trashing – OUR SIDE gets to say our bit, you get all weak and pinky and you turn out another crappy anarcho-liberal!”
Danny: “Who’s we, Wayne? Who’s we? You want a re-election platform? Why don’t you say so. You want to be buried in lawsuits? You’re working on it. In the meantime, I’m the COP, and if you think it’s amusing to keep any real income out the door because you think doxing is cool and threats are fine, go get another bag of cash from your mysterious funder, because that’s the only way we can stay afloat! Now, about those terms of service…”
Two days later
Rylie: “Are you sure you want to record it?”
Danny: “Yeah. Hit record. They’re in the waiting room. We all know where this is going. But we don’t want to read the newspeak version later and have no record of our own.”
Rylie: “Wait, Danny! What’s the guy’s name? Did you see that?”
Danny: “Huh?”
Rylie: “His name! His name. I’m not gonna say it.”
Danny: “Huh? His name? Why would I say it?”
Rajiv Balasubramanian: “Hello. Good afternoon. I’m Rajiv Balasubramanian and this is Heather Weatherington. We are with compliance. How are you today?”
Danny: “Yeah.”
Rylie: “Hullo.”
Heather: “Good morning!”
Rajiv: “Yes, good morning, everybody. Now the application… As to the situation at hand with respect to the matter… We are currently in review – the process is underway as per policy, with respect to the situation. And we feel that at this point we have some questions that are in need of addressing, as the process is ongoing… And with respect to our questions, and the application, there is a matter of two that we have to submit to your attention… Most specifically: moderation…”
Rylie: “Uh?...”
Danny: “Yes! Moderation!... Moderation: what about it?”
Rajiv: “Well, yes, hahah… What are you doing in the line of moderation? We are obliged to inquire, as per policy, and ascertain as to the measures taken to ensure a safe environment both on-line and as per policy. Top put the matter quite bluntly, erm… hahah, well, as to moderation, well, we have not been able to identify any, and…”
Danny: “Wait. Stop. The moderation process we have rolled out over the past months, and we continue rolling it out as we speak, basically, and eliminate some glitches, here and there, to the technical implementation. Right, Rylie?”
Rylie: “Uh… yes.”
Danny: “ And as to the standards, we uphold the highest of them all, the United States Constitution, and our right to be judged by a panel of our peers. And uh, so, uh Rajiv, you were saying about moderation?”
Rajiv: “Yes, so, the roll-out being what it is, internally, as it may be. However, from our policy standpoint, we are still far out from what we expect as to safety. That is, as far as a Playstore listing is concerned. Now we are prepared to share our findings as to the effectiveness, or the lack thereof, as our samples have shown. Of course, if the roll-out is proceeding towards completion, we can consider to adjourn until we all feel confident we have a situation against which we can benchmark and your process can be fully and fairly judged.”
Rylie: “Uh…”
Danny: “So what are you saying exactly? If you are questioning our process – and I assure you we have a solid one, a process – then surely there must be something, some call, or this or other, some flag or other, that we can appeal against, and see – I mean IF our process were to be shown insufficient in any manner, so, and, we would have to know what the objectionable items in case are. And see if, erm, what we’re having is a discussion about the standards, and not about some glitch that may have happened.”
Rajiv: “Yes. Of course. All is currently under review. Including your ToS. So…”
Rylie: “We are updating the ToS now, so, especially where it regards the jury system, which, you know, we’re rolling out, and so…”
Rajiv: “Yes. Thank you. You can duly upload through the portal. So thank you and we are truly sorry, but we have our next meeting lined up and ready to go so if you do not mind…”
Same afternoon – Signal call
Bob: “You think that if we lose these elections we’re gonna have a Constitution left?”
Danny: “Don’t ‘we’ me, Bob. I’m not part of your crowd!”
Bob: “You sure as hell ain’t! I’ve seen the crypto-commies you hang out with! But let’s put it this way, buddy: how did we end up in this place? Who’s pulling all these strings? If it hadn’t been for Maga you would’ve been in jail already, you subversive fuck!”
Danny: “Maga Waga! I’m not your buddy, Bob. Why is it so hard for you to see that if we start nudging, too, we may as well go work for fucking Zuckerberg! You think all of this is a joke? You think you can write your own little script? We are either neutral, or none of this matters. At all.”
Wayne: “Okay, guys, maybe we can calm down a little? Maybe this is one of those cases where we can all sorta meet in the middle and disagree to agree?”
Danny: “Oh, shut up, Wayne!”
Bob: “Yeah. Shut up, Wayne. If we need your smarmy bits of nonsense, I’m pretty sure we’ll let you know… This is it, Danny. You’re not stupid. I think you know. You know how far they got to pull that noose over our heads already. Big bad orange man loses, they’ll start pulling on all sides. You honestly think you’ll survive? You and your anarcho-shits are the first they’re sending to the fucking Gulag, bud. You know it. I know it. Even vain Wayne here gets it. This is it, Danny. Now are you with us?”
Danny: “Spare me, Bob. You’re not stupid, either. We start playing their game now, we don’t need to surrender anymore. That’s it. That’s when we give in. You sound like a Big Ag hag working for the FDA. You play their game, you’re one of them. But I don’t know, Bob. Maybe I got you all wrong. Maybe it’s all just for the show and you’ll just start selling your tickets for the next crowd.”
Wayne: “Wait, wait. This is getting out of…”
Bob: “Shut up, Wayne!”
Danny: “Yeah. Shut up.”
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